מאת Olivier Poirier-Leroy
- מכירת החצר – מגיע עם שק ציוד עמוס ולפני האימון מרוקן ופורש אותו ליד המסלול
- מר זכוכית (שביר) – רוב הזמן לא שוחה עם הקבוצה בגלל פציעה כזו או אחרת (אמיתית או לא)
- "קטן עלי" – זה מה שהוא יגיד, לא משנה כמה ארוך וקשה האימון על הלוח. ואז יפתח הכי חזק בחלק הראשון של הסט ויישפך מייד אחר כך
- הדוגמן – לשחיין הזה להתאמן טוב וחזק חשוב מאד, אבל יותר חשוב להראות מדהים
- הרוטן – השחיין שמדבר שתי שפות – עברית והתבכיינות
- התחרותי מדי – אצלו, כל דבר הוא תחרות. גם החימום והשיחרור
- המעודד – חיוביות יתר ואופטימיות נשפכים ממנו. "קדימה חבר'ה, נשארו רק 39"
- מאותגר הנקיון – צריך להיזהר מהציפורניים הלא גזורות של השחיין הזה כמו גם לא לחצות את הבל פיו.
- הקשקשן – מנצל כל פסק זמן לקשקש גם במלתחות וגם בהפסקות בסט.
- סטיבי וונדר – השחיין הזה, מסיבה כלשהי, שוחה עם עיניים סגורות. לא כל הזמן, אבל כשהוא ממש מתאמץ.
- הרמורה – כנו הדגים הקטנים שנצמדים לכריש, השחיין הזה מנסה להיראות כאילו הוא שוחה מהר יותר ושוחה, כל הזמן, על הרגליים של זה שלפניו
- דורה החוקרת – שחיין שחייב לבדוק כל דבר בבריכה, למשוך כל חבל, לפתוח כל ברז …
- השחיין שנמצא תמיד בטייפר – לא מסיים שני אימונים ברצף, תמיד עם תירוץ, שיעורים, משפחה ועוד
- האסטרונאוט – לא זוכר את כמות החזרות או המרחק בסט
- ה"מדלג" – יעשה משחה סופר חזק ואז ינוח בחזרה הבאה. בסט של 6 חזרות יעשה את 1,3,5 וינוח ב 2,4,6
- "חשבתי שהם יפסיקו" – תת הזן הנדיר של מס' 13. מגיע לאימונים בכזו נדירות כך שכולם חושבים שהוא פרש… כל פעם מחדש
Everybody has the swimmers on their team that are delightfully amazing. That show up on time, that help with the equipment, and do the workout according to code and regulation.
And then there are the other swimmers. You know, those people.
Here are 16 swimmers you see in your local lane:
1. The Yard Sale. This swimmer’s mesh bag is XXXL custom-made, and whenever they get behind the blocks and start emptying out their bag—three water bottles, two pairs of fins, and so on—you end up having to leave your bag about five feet behind the blocks. On the plus side, this swimmer encourages you to get to workout early so that you can lay claim to some of that precious lane-end real estate.
2. Mr. Glass. A stern look or brisk breeze is enough to re-aggravate this poor swimmer’s shoulder. And knee. And left tibia. Whether the injuries are real or imagined, this athlete spends most of the time outside of the group—doing their customized rehab, vertical kicking while everyone else swims, hot tubbing with garbage bags of ice scattered across their body.
3. The “I Got This.” The bravado that this athlete displays—no matter the circumstance—is admirable. Coach will be scrawling up a main set that leaves the rest of the group scraping their jaws off the floor while our over-confident teammate unleashes a steady and organic stream of “pssh” and “whatever, piece of cake.” While the group steadily works their way through the set, “I Got This” hammers out the first quarter of the set and then valiantly sputters and bombs out.
4. The Runway Model. Training hard and fast is very important to this athlete, but even more so, is to do it looking utterly fantastic. You’ll never see a faded drag suit on this athlete, a towel that isn’t mega high thread count, or twisted goggle strap on their head. Often this athlete is late for the early morning car-pool pick up because they are preening themselves. Make up or hair wax to morning practice? Be rude not to!
5. The Rage Machine. Easy to spot with the dark cloud following them up and down the pool, this athlete can speak two languages fluently: English, and Grumbles. Went a little slower than expected on the main set? Grumble, grumble grumble. Left a paddle at home? Grumble, grumble, grumble. Having to do anything besides their favorite stroke? Grumble, grumble, grumble.
6. The Overly Competitive Guy. This swimmer loves themselves a good competition. (“Competitive” swimmer, after all.) This means that anything and everything is a race. Wanna see who can do more arm swings in ten seconds? Deck change race? How about who can crush warm-up the fastest? No matter what type of set you are doing, if you are leaving at the same time as them you will feel the omni-present death glare coming from their lane, eyeing you and where you are at during the entire rep, set and workout, if only to make sure they can sprint the last 3 yards or meters in order to out-touch you.
7. The Cheerleader. Excessively positive, overly optimistic and altogether too cheery. No matter how many reps are left you can always count on this person to remind you in a cheerily offensive way. “Way to go guys, one down! Only 39 more to go!”
8. The Poor Hygiene Guy. The break between sets and reps becomes a game to see how far you can get away from this swimmer’s breath. Or watching keenly anytime they pass you to not scrap you with their longer-than-regulation toe and finger nails. Or producing bubbles from their suit at the walls and letting you find out about it with your face.
9. The Yappity Yap. Some good conversation and banter between teammates is perfectly natural, but there are times when you would rather just hang off of the lane rope and speed gasp for air during the rapidly shrinking window of time until the next repetition.
A typical conversation goes a little something-something like this:
Them: “Can you believe how much homework Mr. Fletcher gave us for the weekend?”
10. The Stevie Wonder. This swimmer, for reasons I will never comprehend, swims with their eyes closed. Not the whole time, but when they are trying really hard, their eyes clenching as they push and pull with all of their little heart’s ability. This is an interesting way to train even on your own, but when there are lane-mates involved it can make for the occasional surprise game of chicken mid-set.
11. The Remora. You know those little fishies that catch a free ride on the sides of sharks? That is, in fact, what we are talking about here. This swimmer, in a bid to make it seem like they are going much faster than they are, leave way too early, burning up onto the feet of the swimmer in front of them. Every. Single. Rep. Not cool.
12. Dora the Explorer. This swimmer is a bit of a pool adventurer. They are so enthralled with all the sights and sounds of the pool that they must experience them all! Lane rope? Better pull on it! Showers? Main set! Bathroom? Better inspect it as much as possible!
13. The Perma Taper. This swimmer rarely bangs out more than a couple workouts in a row. Excuses range from alien abduction, homework overload, to a need to “self-taper.” As a result, they are perpetually rested and ready to rock and roll, much to everybody else’s chagrin.
14. The Space Cadet. Utterly unreliable to remember intervals, reps, much less their own name, this swimmer will forever be relegated to the back of the lane. There is great responsibility to be found in leading the lane (with all that counting!) and this swimmer hasn’t earned the group’s trust yet.
15. The “I Don’t Do Even Numbered Repeats.” Swimming fast and hard is difficult. So is doing it, like, twice in a row. This swimmer will throw down an impressive swim on the first rep, and then set themselves aside to compose themselves and catch a breath. They’ll hop back in on the third rep, and the cycle continues. 1, 3, 5= Go time! 2, 4, 6= Rest time!
16. The “I Thought They Quit.” The rare and hard to find sub-specie of The Perma Taper is this swimmer, who attends practice so infrequently that it is assumed that they left the sport. They will grace the pool decks once a week, or every couple weeks, surprising everyone (coach included). They’ll promptly swim a best time in workout, and then disappear for another couple weeks.
What are some of the stereotypical swimmers you guys have in your lanes? Let’s hear ‘em in the comments below!